When Netflix Ruined Our Lives

There once was a time when Redbox nearly ruined our lives. There was also a time when Netflix saved us, and was a shining beacon of light and goodness in a dark and malevolent world.

We strode forth, believing Netflix to be the pinnacle of entertainment. Then they did that greedy, ridiculous price gouge, where people who rented DVDs and streamed video saw a whopping 60% price increase.

We dropped the DVD rental and opted for just streaming instead.

We saw the cracks. We ignored them. We reminded ourselves that streaming video is the future.

We felt safe and warm inside, like how rich white men must feel when they wrap themselves in a blanket of exorbitant wealth and white male superiority. We were safe.

Last week, we began obsessively watching Roseanne reruns on Netflix. This is the big time, baby! This is the future!

Mere hours after posting about our obsession with Roseanne, Netflix yanked the show. Ian and I arrived home from work, frothing for an escape into the world of low wages and working-class stress (my God, it's like they know us!).

Instead we discovered Netflix, in all its corporate wisdom, had banished the show from its rotation. Gone. Kaput.

Wut.

They took Roseanne away from us when we were in the middle of season 5. It was the television equivalent of Hitler invading France. Netflix was a bastard. A traitor. A Benedict Arnold. Shit was gonna fly.

Ian: "I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE NETFLIX. I'M GOING TO CALL THEM AND COMPLAIN. NO, WAIT. I'M GOING TO CANCEL NETFLIX. THIS CRAP ISN'T WORTH THE MONEY. SEE YOU IN HELL, NETFLIX."

I reacted by scouring the internet for full Roseanne episodes for free. You see, I am extremely cheap and refuse to spend money on most modes of entertainment. Much like healthcare, I believe television should be free and easily accessible.

Luckily I was raised with no cable, so I knew exactly how to react in such a dire situation: I hopped on Youtube and found full-length episodes of Roseanne.

We air-played the episodes onto the TV, breathed a sigh of relief, and embraced the electronic fuzz of our blessed picture box.

And all was right with the world.

Postscript: We'll probably ditch Netflix in favor of a Hulu subscription. If things get crazy, I'll post a suitably hyperbolic response.

How Redbox Nearly Destroyed Our Lives (And How Netflix Saved Us)

December 2010 marked a traumatic time in the Winiferd household. Blockbuster, our only source of movies, went out of business. Ian and I turned our sights to Redbox as an alternative.

Sunday Night:

Ian: "Want to get a Redbox movie?"

Laura: "Sure. It's only a dollar."

Ian: "And we get to keep the movie for 24 hours."

Laura: "And Redboxes are all over the place."

Ian: "And we're always out anyways."

Laura: "WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?"

Monday Night:

8:47:  "Uh, Ian? This Redbox movie's due at 9."

8:48: "Crap! I forgot we even had that."

8:49: Run to car; screech tires on pavement.

8:50: Roar to Walgreens.

8:53: Realize Walgreens has no Redbox.

8:54: Roar to Schnucks grocery store.

8:56: Ian yells, "THERE'S NO STOP SIGN!"

8:57: Screech into parking spot; run wildly inside.

8:58: Realize man is fiddling with Redbox, trying to decide between She's All That or Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.

8:59: Loudly tell Ian, "Just drop it in the return slot... Just drop it in the return slot... Just drop it in the return slot... Just drop it in the return slot."

9:00: Man gets subtle message. Man lets us go ahead. Return DVD. Redbox spits back DVD. Return DVD. Success.

9:01: Triumph. Victory. The peasants rejoice.

9:02: Am completely amped up on adrenaline and endorphins.

9:03: Reenact.

9:04: Karate chop invisible people.

9:05: Kick invisible people.

9:06: Swing purse at invisible people.

9:07: Run in circles. Jump up and down.

9:08: Vow to get Netflix.

9:09: Fin.

In May 2011, Ian and I signed up for Netflix. We also bought Apple T.V, to stream movies and television directly from Netflix.

The process went something like this:

Friday night at 7:31: We order Netflix.

Friday night at 7:32: We live happily ever after.