The Roller Blades

I've been going to thrift stores in pursuit of roller blades for ages.

I first found a pair of roller blades at Goodwill. They fit, but they cost 30 bucks. As you can imagine, I screeched, "Oh, hell no!" and walked out.

Used roller blades are never worth 30 bucks.

Goodwill, and just about every other thrift store these days, is overcharging. When you charge $10 for someone's used socks, you need to do a little soul-searching.

Anyways, Ian and I discovered a wonderful new thrift store that offers fair prices. And last Saturday, I found my roller blades.

They fit perfectly and cost $5. They are original, authentic roller blades made in 1988.

They are also horrendously 80s ugly. Ian pronounced them "cool."

A word of caution: I'd never roller bladed before. Roller skates have always been my thing.

Ian and I strapped on our roller blades on Monday evening and took off. And when I say I took off, I mean I took off. It seems I can go damn fast on roller blades, but I can't stop.

As we rolled down a small hill, Ian glided expertly while I sped uncontrollably, blasting through the atmosphere.

Ian: "You're going a little fast there."

Laura: "I CAN'T SLOW DOWN."

Ian: "The bearings on those are excellent."

Ian tried multiple times to teach me how to stop, but I continued shooting along at turbo-charged speeds. I finally discovered that I could stop by making a circle.

Because when you're charging downhill towards oncoming traffic, you definitely want to get out the way BY MAKING A COMPLETE 360 CIRCLE.

Ian and I opted to head off the road and try a school parking lot. I got pretty good at looping around. As I said, I'm good at circles.

As we prepared to leave the parking lot, we realized we'd have to roll down a fairly steep incline.

Ian studiously clopped down the incline, calmly preparing me for the ride down: "You just want to carefully glide to the left and to the right, to slow yourself down..."

Meanwhile, I had launched down the hill at a terrifying speed, limbs flailing wildly. As I zoomed into the stratosphere, I spotted a sharp bump in the concrete at the bottom of the hill.

I jumped it.

I landed with a thud, arms flapping and legs contorting, as my blades smacked the pavement. Then I made a 360 circle and turned to face an astonished Ian.

Ian: "I was following you the whole time. I was going to try to grab you if you fell. And I was trying to figure out how to tell your parents that I broke their daughter."

Laura: "Nah. I don't fall. I just go fast."

Ian: "Were you even watching for cars?"

Laura: "No. I was watching my feet."

Ian: "You could have wiped out and bled all over the road. You would have started crying, and I wouldn't know what to do. What then?"

Laura: "......."

Ian: "......."

And then we laughed hysterically. The End.