Sunday, April 27, 2014

To Margot, Age One

You were born during the coldest Spring for more than 50 years. A record-breaking cold-front swept through the city the night you were born, but we had no clue. We were shut away in a hospital room, completely isolated from the outside world, only caring about ourselves: you, me, and your pops.

We had arrived at the hospital shortly after noon that day, after my contractions had amped up to the every-three-minutes my doctor had told me to watch for. They were dull contractions that had begun the night before, too uncomfortable for sleep but too weak for the hospital.

I managed three hours of sleep that night. The next morning Ian called in to work. We knew you were coming soon.

That morning I squirreled away graham crackers and gatorade to sneak into the hospital bathroom and anxiously watched the hours tick past.

We timed contractions and by 11am, I could feel them coming closer together, still dull. Shortly after noon, we motored off to the hospital.

"They don't hurt at all even though they're close together. We're going too early."

"You wanna get Bubble Tea? Or go to the thrift store?"

"Nah. We're almost there; just keep going."

Sometime after 1:00pm the nurse checked me for the first time: "Three centimeters."

After she walked away, I wailed, "Three centimeters!? We're going to be here for hours! We're going to be here all afternoon and all night and into the morning. They'll give me pitocin. This is horrible."

Five hours later, you came screeching into the world, pitocin-free.

Immediately after you came into the world, the nurse whisked you away to your baby station next to me. You were born with a fever. The nurses nudged your dad towards you, reminding him to take pictures.

He snapped some photos and then sheepishly walked back to me, where he clutched my hand and quietly watched the chaos. The nurses chuckled at him, but the doctor kindly remarked, "I stayed with my wife, too."

When we finally held you, we stared at you, a stranger. We were confidants, lovers, introverts, and now, parents, who were going to let you, a strange little interloper, into our lives to share our home and our secrets.


It felt vaguely terrifying.

Your infancy has flown by. I spent six glorious months at home with you on maternity leave, and I loved every moment of it despite your clinginess.

Daycare has been the hardest part of your babyhood because my heart breaks every time I leave you at your little school.

I talk wistfully about the days I stayed home and wonder aloud whether I could stay home again, even while you're shrieking angrily and your dad is pulling a face because my god, woman, the screaming. Are you nuts?  

You always hated baby food. You demanded table food as soon as we started you on solids. You eat everything.

I snuck you some white cheddar Cheetos once and have paid for it dearly ever since because you screech when you see me eating them, begging for a bite. And, well, they're the organic Cheetos, so why not?

When you eat, you rub food onto your head for reasons we shall never understand. You drag grease and sauce through your hair until it's standing on end. After every meal I must scrub your head with a dishcloth, lest you attract ants.

I have hauled my breast pump to work everyday for the past six months and dutifully locked myself away, fielding awkward questions and ill-timed knocks so you can feast on breast milk rather than formula.

Studies have recently scandalized our Breast is Best world because they show that breast milk doesn't really make a difference in the long run, and, hell, I've been saying that since you were born.

And I'm so tired of pumping that I declare you are starting on formula tomorrow, first thing, bright and early. But then morning arrives and I doggedly pack my pump and bottles like always, lest one drop of evil formula passes your precious lips because I am clearly an insane hypocrite.

You are so adorable that your dad and I can hardly stand it, and we sappily declare you the cutest baby in the world. Your dad acknowledges that every parent thinks this but goes on to decide that maybe, just maybe, you really are the cutest baby in the world.

You say "Mama", "Dada", and "Kee Cat." You call every animal you see a "Kee Cat", including the horse who lives next door.

We were constantly sick from the daycare viruses this winter. You dad and I have never been so sick in all our adult lives. I briefly considered hanging a sign upon our front door that reads "Abandon all Hope, Ye Who Live Here."

But your dad gazes fondly at photos of you grocery shopping just before a winter storm hit and remarks, "This winter was the greatest. I usually feel down during the winter but having Margot in those little outfits made it happy."



Your hair is slowly growing in, blonde fuzz that sticks up wildly. You have your father's features but your mother's face shape. Your skins is as sensitive as your father's, and we have to rub you down with a trifecta of lotion, diaper cream, and lanolin every evening.

You love electronics: iPhones, iPads, remote controls, and electrical cords. You pay little attention to your toys and no attention to your stuffed animals. You'd rather have the wires from your dad's latest project.

You like to pet the dog but get annoyed when she licks you, screeching in frenzied protest. You adore beating on the cats like they're oddly-shaped drums, but only the fat one allows you close for any length of time.

You love the other babies in your daycare class. You crawl over to crying babies and pat their backs. Your teacher calls you "a big help."

You've been the oldest baby in the class since you were 8 months old, and you know it. Your other teacher calls you "Queen Bee" because you go from baby to baby, patting their arms and bouncing their seats.

"Margot's very motherly," she tells me.

The baby in you is slowly disappearing. We take you to some gardens to snap photos just before your first birthday, and I'm shocked by the sudden appearance of relatively spindly legs.


That same weekend, you suddenly explode into a non-stop babbler, earnestly trying to impart your wisdom using your bizarre alien language.

You love "reading". You flip through your books and babble about each page. When I ask you to read me a story, you fetch your books and earnestly chirp through each one. I can't wait for you to talk with real words.

I have snapped a million photos of you as a baby, desperate to remember everything, knowing how fast it's going, and knowing the days of you needing me so terribly will rapidly vanish. But I'm so excited to see you grow and change.

Happy birthday, Margot. I'm so glad you're ours.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Monday Night Musings (The Sunday Morning Edition)

"She has your eyes. Hungover eyes. It's sexy."

"We have a sexy baby. I'll have to beat those boys off… Wait. Never mind."


Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Triumphant Return of Spottswood Michael

He's back. I am still shocked, but he is back.


Ian and I (and my dad) would catch glimpses of Spottswood from time to time for about a month. We'd see him crouched under our neighbor's barn, or nestled in her backyard, or even in our carport.

Unfortunately, Spottswood would flee if we came within 4,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles of him. So if he was on Mars and we were on Saturn and we made even the slightest move towards him, he'd streak away as fast as his skinny legs would carry him.


By the end of his escape, when he was making appearances in our car port, I would catch alarming glimpses of his emaciated frame. He was on the verge of starvation and outside in the record-breaking cold, with wind-chills of -3.

After the coldest night of the year, Ian drove Margot to school and returned to find Spottswood sitting in the carport again. He crept up the driveway, swatted a growling Harvey away, and snatched up our prodigal son.

Spottswood, by that point, was likely too weak and too cold to flee. Spottswood was all bones, a gaunt little skeleton.

Once in the house, he ate furiously. He ate and ate and ate. All his food ran through him for two days, but he eventually leveled out. From the moment he returned, he was cuddly, sweet, and clingy.

I've held off writing about his return because we weren't entirely certain he would stay alive. Fortunately, he's beginning to fill out nicely.

He does, however, skulk by the screen door whenever it's left open for a second, eying up the small tear where he escaped two months ago. Both my mom and I have had to yank him away when he's made moves towards it.


Ian suspects Spottswood simply wants to maintain his slim figure.

Laura: "You know what Spottswood says: 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels'."

So Spottswood Michael is home. Our family is complete again.    

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Monday Night Musings

Ian and Laura: <Watch Winnie run in circles, barking manically> 

Ian: "How long is she supposed to live?"

Laura: "Thirteen to fourteen years."

Ian: "And how old is she?"

Laura: "Three."

Ian: <Sighs>


Friday, November 22, 2013

Spottswood

I mentioned recently that Spottswood had slipped out the house at some point last week. We suspect that he ran out when Ian was moving his plants indoors due to the freezing weather.

Ian spotted Spottswood in the barn the next day, but Spottswood hid before Ian catch him. Spottswood appears to have left the barn and...and that's it.

He's missing and we have no idea where he is. Spottswood is such a skittish cat that he transformed into something almost feral when he escaped outside.

We plan to check the neighborhood animal shelter tomorrow, but it's looking pretty grim. I doubt we will ever see him again.

I can't believe I'm typing this, and I've been holding out hope for days, but it looks like this is Spottswood's memorial post.

He was a fabulous, funny, wide-eyed little cat who clung to Ian and played happily with the dog. He slept above Ian's head every night and was constantly at our feet.

We loved him and we wish he was still with us.

So long, little buddy.





Monday, November 18, 2013

The Evils of Western Medicine as Told by Ian

Laura: I need more allergy medicine. My nose is running.

Ian: I don't believe in pharmaceutical medicine.

Laura: Why not?

Ian: With allergies, you just need to be exposed to the allergen and let it run through you. Sure, you'll have a runny nose for a few weeks. But then you'll adjust and your allergy will go away.

Laura: I don't think so.

Ian: Why not?

Laura: I got sick with sinus infections at least twice a month for years until I started prescription allergy medication. Plus I got headaches every day. Medicine stopped all of that.

Ian: You should have just put up with the allergies. Medicine doesn't really do much of anything. People need to stop relying on that stuff. I think it makes their allergies worse.

Laura: Uh huh.

Ian: It's almost time to go.

Laura: Yeah.

Ian: My head's starting to hurt.

Laura: You better take your sinus medicine.

Ian: Yep, I will.

Laura: ….

Ian: I should probably stop railing against the evils of medication right before I take my pills.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Two Cats One Barn

I briefly mentioned once that Harvey lives outside now due to his inability to use the damn liter box. The liter box he had used just fine for five damn years. 

And so, he was tossed out into the wild outdoors, returning home twice a day for food, water, and back rubs. It worked out well. Really, really well.

Ian: "Since Harvey moved outside, he's become our best pet."

Laura: "Yeah, he has."

Ian: "Because we never see him."

Laura: "It's awesome. I love not seeing him. The pets are gross and annoying. Why did we get them?"

Ian: "I don't know. We should give them all away. Except Harvey."

We love you, Harvey.


It was all going swimmingly until Harvey suddenly went missing. Ian lamented that Harvey was dead and done for, but my parents have had outdoor cats forever, and I knew that they always go missing at some point. And they always return.

I said such things with confidence, but on the inside I worried that Harvey was dead and done for.

Two days passed. I found the Apple TV remote we had been searching for.

Laura: "Guess what I found?"

Ian: "Harvey?!?!?!!!!"

Laura: "No. The remote."

Ian: "Oh."

And so I stomped on the last shreds faith and hope in Ian's soul.

Until he wandered into the barn and heard a distinct "meow." An ornery, curmudgeonly, crank of a meow. Harvey had climbed into the barn loft and had no idea how to get back down.

Ian climbed into the loft and hauled him down the ladder. He then found me in the house and jubilantly lifted a filthy Harvey into the air, cobwebs clinging to his sides, the same cranky look in his eyes. Our Harvey was home.

And we all lived happily after.

Except two days ago, Spottswood went missing. It seemed inconceivable because Spottswood is terrified of the outside world.


But, alas, we suspect he streaked out the door two nights ago when Ian was bringing in his plants due to the freezing weather.

And this time, I bald-faced lied to Ian.

Laura's Voice: "Don't worry. Spottswood will come back."

Laura's Brain: "Shit. Spottswood's dead."

Spottswood's so skittish that we both decided something horrible had happened to him. But yesterday morning Ian was again in the barn and, amazingly, spotted Spottswood.

Spottswood, being the brave cat he is, raced for cover.

I am Spottswood and I am brave.


And so here we are: Spottswood continues to streak away whenever Ian calls for him.

Ian alternates between anxious worry and exasperated disgust that Spottswood's stuck in barn prison.

Forever?


Hopefully, at some point, I will have a positive update.

In the meantime, Ian still stalks the barn liked a crazed blood hunter hoping to catch his prey, and Spottswood is trying to call Merry Maids because his new home is gross. I'll toss some Lysol and blankets in there later tonight.

Monday, October 28, 2013

When Ian Made Out with Winnie

Ian: Have you seen my phone?

Laura: Yes.

Ian: Where is it?

Laura: It looks like I have the power in this relationship right now.

Ian: What do I have to do to get it back?

Laura: Buy me fancy yogurt. No. Wait. Kiss the dog on the lips.

Ian: I don't even kiss the baby on the lips.

Laura: I do, but she licks back.

Ian: Yeah, it seems like things would get spitty.

Laura: She always wants to French kiss.

Ian: This is silly. I'm not scared of germs. I would kiss anybody on the lips. Even the dog.

Laura: So do it.

Ian: ......

Laura: ......

Ian: .......

Laura: .......

Ian: Why don't I just buy you the yogurt? I can pick up a pumpkin, too.

Laura: No. The dog. On the lips.

Ian: This is gross. She's scared. This is gross.

Laura: On the lips.

Ian: How about on the nose?

Laura: On the lips.

Ian: ......

Laura: You don't have to. Never mind.

Ian: [Grabs Winnie; plants a smooch on her lips] See. It was easy.

Laura: Except the dog's cowering now. And bi-curious.