Not because I wanted to, mind you, but because his professor required the students to bring in speakers for a symposium.
Ultimately, this is why Ian spent his last class of his college career hearing his girlfriend yell at his fellow classmates TO WEAR A CONDOM. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WEAR A CONDOM.
Here's the play-by-play of this momentous occasion:
The week before the symposium- Request the day off. After 6 years of higher education and 1.5 years of the corporate world, I have yet to conquer procrastination. We all know I'm going to throw this shit together two hours before it happens, so I need the day off for checking Facebook and playing with the dog.
7:00 am- Wake at normal time. Consider getting up and composing speech early, giving myself the rest of the day off. The dog is up. The cats are waiting expectantly. My adulthood beckons... ah, fuck it.
8:00 am- Wake up again. Debate more sleep. Decide to act like an adult, or at the very least, an adolescent grasping at adulthood.
8:30 am- Eat breakfast. Watch the dog and the cat play together.
9:00 am- Realize I have the whole day before me. I can clean the bathroom! I can do laundry! I can go to the bank! I can get my flu shot!
9:10 am- But the dog looks awfully excited that I'm home. She wants a walk. She needs a walk.
10:30 am- Finish extra long walk with the dog.
11:00 am- Decide I should go to my parent's house and use their printer for my speech. Clean nothing. Wash nothing. Run away from adult responsibilities. Fear bank. Try to forget flu shot.
11:10 am- Drive to parents' house. Worry about catching the flu.
11:30 am- Print articles about infant mortality. Consider speech prepared. Congratulate myself on a job half-assed.
11:45 am- Wash the dog's butt because of an unfortunate doo doo incident.
Noon - Drive home and greet Ian who has come home early from work. Go to Panera for lunch.
12:30 pm- "Have you prepared your speech? You have, right?"
12:31 pm- "Umm. Sorta. Like maybe kinda read... stuff...articles with the printer. Kinda speech."
12:31 pm- "So, you're ready?"
12:32 pm- "Yes."
1:00 pm- Arrive home.
1:10 pm- "I'm ready to dig into this speech now! I am focused! I am pumped!"
1:15 pm- Watch an hour's worth of old Saturday Night Live clips on Youtube.
2:15 pm- "Hey Laura? I'm going to walk Winnie so you'll have some quiet time to focus on your speech."
2:16 pm- "Oh...yeah. My speech."
2:30 pm- Dog goes walking, taking multiple craps. Inside the house: Peace. Silence. Zen.
2:32 pm- "I should watch old Barbara Walters interviews! Or Youtube clips of Captain Planet! Anything's better than this."
3:00 pm- Find focus. Use highlighter. Write things down. Feel academic.
5:30 pm- Drive to Ian's campus. Feel mildly sick.
8:10 pm- After listening to two guest speakers, stand to give speech.
8:11 pm- "Hello class. My name is Laura, and I'm going to talk about infant mortality..."
8:30 pm- "...AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS WEAR CONDOMS. NOTHING ELSE PREVENTS STDS. DO YOU WANT STDS?"
8:45 pm- "Ms. Laura, isn't it difficult for women to breastfeed in our society?"
8:46 pm- "Yes, Timmy, it is. Our culture views BREASTS as SEXUAL objects, where BREASTS are only meant for SEX."
8:55 pm- "I'd like to thank Ms. Laura for speaking on behalf of our group to the class. In appreciation, we offer her this Victoria's Secret bag."
8:56 pm- <Snickering boys in the class> "Ha ha! The sex teacher's present is from Victoria's Secret! Ha ha! Sex! Booger! Sex!"
9:00 pm- Ian and I leave, rejoicing the end of class.
9:30 pm- Ian eats an enormous hot dog.
The End.
Congratulations, Ian! You have your horticulture degree!
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