Are You There God? It's Me, Ian.

I wanted to read Judy Blume's Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret aloud to Ian.

He fell asleep before I finished the first chapter. Since he wouldn't listen to me read, I wrote this instead:

Are You There God? It's Me, Ian

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. I'm really nervous about meeting my friend's new cat. Her name is Blythe. Isn't that a beautiful name? I'm going to wear my Yankees t-shirt. It makes my chest look more muscular. I hope Blythe likes it. 

I wanted to buy a new t-shirt, but Laura wouldn't let me. Laura's my girlfriend. She doesn't understand these things. She doesn't even like cats. She tells me she does, but she always kicks them when they get close to her. Isn't that mean?  

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. Blythe loved my t-shirt! I could tell when she wanted to lie on my stomach. She was so warm and fuzzy. I wish my chest was bigger. 

I know a couple of guys who go to the gym every morning and do exercises. I wonder if I could do that without Laura noticing. She'd think it was dumb. 

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. Today, Laura and I ate lunch with our friends, and Blythe was there! She sat in Sam's lap the whole time. I was sooooo jealous. 

I heard her purring. I wanted to smack Sam and kick her in the shins. Blythe should be with me. I bet if I had a nicer chest, she would sit next to me. Or even sit in my lap. 

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. I'm taking this speech class. I can't tell if the teacher likes me or not. Her name is Ms. Fink.

There's this guy named Trip in my class. He has the biggest chest in the whole class. Everyone noticed. Even Ms. Fink noticed. 

We all had to introduce ourselves, and when Trip stood up to speak, Ms. Fink's eyes bugged out of her head. Trip was wearing a sweater, but my chest never looks like that in a sweater.

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. Guess what!? My friend Sarah formed a special kitty club! Isn't that neat?! We had our first meeting today and tried to think up a name for the club. I suggested, "We're Only Here For the Beer." 

But Sarah thought that sounded too much like a slogan. I hope she doesn't think I'm dumb. She suggested "The Kitty Cat Sensations." We'd call ourselves the KCS for short. We took a vote and the KCS won. 

Sarah said that the first rule of the the KCS was to wear Dr. Martens without socks. I'm so glad I already have Dr. Martens. Laura wouldn't let me buy a new pair of shoes just for this. She never understands.

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. This morning when I got ready for work, Laura said wearing Dr. Martens without socks was dumb. She said I'd get huge blisters.

I wore them anyways. 

By the middle of the day, my feet were killing me. I took my Dr. Martens off as soon as I got in the car to drive home. 

I had blisters, but I didn't want Laura to know. So I put my Dr. Martens back on as soon as I pulled into our driveway. I smiled real big when she asked about my day. I showed her.

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. Today, Sam told me that Blythe hates the band 'N Sync. 

Well, I love 'N Sync. Justin Timberlake's the next Michael Jackson. What if we ever talk about music? Would I lie to Blythe? I know lying's wrong, but I really like Blythe.

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. Sarah told me there's going to be a dance and all the KCSs are going! And get this. Blythe is going, too! 

I told Laura I had to get a new t-shirt. She told me I was being silly, but she let me get a new green t-shirt.

It fits so snug on me. I wonder if I could stuff Kleenex in my shirt to make my chest look bigger. Do you think the other boys would notice, God?

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. The dance was tonight. I prayed that Blythe would ask me to dance. Finally, one of the moms who was chaperoning announced the last dance. 

The lights got low, and the D.J. played "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You." I walked over to Blythe to ask her to dance. But this jerk named Gizmo beat me to her, so Blythe danced with him instead. I'm so upset. 

Are you there God? It's me, Ian. Today, Laura found me crying in the bathroom. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her about Blythe dancing with another cat. I told her it was because my chest is too small. 

Laura smiled which made me feel mad. I yelled at her. But Laura told me I was just experiencing a burst of hormones.

She said there would be other cats. And she told me lots of guys worry about the size of their chests. She told me I looked perfect just the way I am. It made me feel a lot better.

Then she told me I need intensive therapy and that she'd booked me stay at the funny farm. She used the phrase "funny farm." I hope that means there are lots of cats.