In Which Laura Becomes a Hippie and Fights Back Against the Fire-Breather in Her Esophagus

Hey guys! Let's talk about something exciting! Let's talk about Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease! Oh boy!

I suffer from chronic acid reflux known as GERD. I've been using Pepcid AC and Zantac to control it. And I've popped a lot of that stuff.

Self-described hippie Ian said nothing, but silently disapproved of my contribution to Big Pharma and its poisonous pills (YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THESE THINGS, IAN. I JUST KNOW).

However, the over-the-counter stuff recently stopped working. The maximum dose of Pepcid or Zantac is two pills per day. By last week I was popping between 8 and 10 Zantacs per day and getting nervous about sprouting a tail and horns.

I knew I wouldn't be able to visit the doctor for at least a week. So I did what I always do in desperate situations: I Google.

Google reminded me of that old hippie remedy for acid reflux. Hippies all over the internet testify to the acid-fighting powers of apple cider vinegar.

Except, apple cider vinegar contains a veritable shit-ton of acid. But that's the beauty of it. It's the Principle of Similars, otherwise known as Homeopathy. Basically, you cure disease by introducing the same substance that causes the symptoms. AIN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?  

I was prepared to try new-age crap before revisiting Big Pharma crap. So Ian and I ran to Kroger where I bought a jug of raw, organic, unfiltered apple cider vinegar.

Apple cider vinegar contains all of the following attributes:

1. It's highly acidic. In fact, it's so acidic that you should drink it through a straw since the acid can remove enamel from your teeth.

2. You shouldn't shoot apple cider vinegar straight, but mix it with water. Since, again, it can remove enamel from your teeth.

3. Apple cider vinegar tastes like fermented pee pee.

I gagged and groaned, but I sent two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar down the hatch. Ian shot it straight, despite my protests of, "YOU'LL KILL YOUR ENAMEL!"

Actually, he feels compelled to try everything I try. I once bought "fancy" women's multivitamins which he begged to try.

Laura: "Ian, these are for women."

Ian: "But they're gummy!"

Laura: "They contain folic acid and iron."

Ian: "But they look delicious!"

Laura: "Fine. Have one."

Ian: "Can I have two?"

Another time, he opened my brand new bottle of facial cleanser and appeared to give it a taste.

Laura: "GOOD GOD, STOP! THAT HAS BLEACH IN IT!"

Ian: "I wasn't tasting it. I was just... inspecting it."

Anyways, I downed two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar last night and one tablespoon this morning.

I feel slightly less reflux-y, but it'll take a couple of weeks until I know anything conclusive. I'll report back in a fortnight.