Monday Night Musings

Ian and Laura: <Watch Winnie run in circles, barking manically> 

Ian: "How long is she supposed to live?"

Laura: "Thirteen to fourteen years."

Ian: "And how old is she?"

Laura: "Three."

Ian: <Sighs>

Spottswood

I mentioned recently that Spottswood had slipped out the house at some point last week. We suspect that he ran out when Ian was moving his plants indoors due to the freezing weather.

Ian spotted Spottswood in the barn the next day, but Spottswood hid before Ian catch him. Spottswood appears to have left the barn and...and that's it.

He's missing and we have no idea where he is. Spottswood is such a skittish cat that he transformed into something almost feral when he escaped outside.

We plan to check the neighborhood animal shelter tomorrow, but it's looking pretty grim. I doubt we will ever see him again.

I can't believe I'm typing this, and I've been holding out hope for days, but it looks like this is Spottswood's memorial post.

He was a fabulous, funny, wide-eyed little cat who clung to Ian and played happily with the dog. He slept above Ian's head every night and was constantly at our feet.

We loved him and we wish he was still with us.

So long, little buddy.

The Evils of Western Medicine as Told by Ian

Laura: I need more allergy medicine. My nose is running.

Ian: I don't believe in pharmaceutical medicine.

Laura: Why not?

Ian: With allergies, you just need to be exposed to the allergen and let it run through you. Sure, you'll have a runny nose for a few weeks. But then you'll adjust and your allergy will go away.

Laura: I don't think so.

Ian: Why not?

Laura: I got sick with sinus infections at least twice a month for years until I started prescription allergy medication. Plus I got headaches every day. Medicine stopped all of that.

Ian: You should have just put up with the allergies. Medicine doesn't really do much of anything. People need to stop relying on that stuff. I think it makes their allergies worse.

Laura: Uh huh.

Ian: It's almost time to go.

Laura: Yeah.

Ian: My head's starting to hurt.

Laura: You better take your sinus medicine.

Ian: Yep, I will.

Laura: ….

Ian: I should probably stop railing against the evils of medication right before I take my pills.

Two Cats One Barn

I briefly mentioned once that Harvey lives outside now due to his inability to use the damn liter box. The liter box he had used just fine for five damn years. 

And so, he was tossed out into the wild outdoors, returning home twice a day for food, water, and back rubs. It worked out well. Really, really well.

Ian: "Since Harvey moved outside, he's become our best pet."

Laura: "Yeah, he has."

Ian: "Because we never see him."

Laura: "It's awesome. I love not seeing him. The pets are gross and annoying. Why did we get them?"

Ian: "I don't know. We should give them all away. Except Harvey."

We love you, Harvey.

It was all going swimmingly until Harvey suddenly went missing. Ian lamented that Harvey was dead and done for, but my parents have had outdoor cats forever, and I knew that they always go missing at some point. And they always return.

I said such things with confidence, but on the inside I worried that Harvey was dead and done for.

Two days passed. I found the Apple TV remote we had been searching for.

Laura: "Guess what I found?"

Ian: "Harvey?!?!?!!!!"

Laura: "No. The remote."

Ian: "Oh."

And so I stomped on the last shreds faith and hope in Ian's soul.

Until he wandered into the barn and heard a distinct "meow." An ornery, curmudgeonly, crank of a meow. Harvey had climbed into the barn loft and had no idea how to get back down.

Ian climbed into the loft and hauled him down the ladder. He then found me in the house and jubilantly lifted a filthy Harvey into the air, cobwebs clinging to his sides, the same cranky look in his eyes. Our Harvey was home.

And we all lived happily after.

Except two days ago, Spottswood went missing. It seemed inconceivable because Spottswood is terrified of the outside world.

But, alas, we suspect he streaked out the door two nights ago when Ian was bringing in his plants due to the freezing weather.

And this time, I bald-faced lied to Ian.

Laura's Voice: "Don't worry. Spottswood will come back."

Laura's Brain: "Shit. Spottswood's dead."

Spottswood's so skittish that we both decided something horrible had happened to him. But yesterday morning Ian was again in the barn and, amazingly, spotted Spottswood.

Spottswood, being the brave cat he is, raced for cover.

I am Spottswood and I am brave.

And so here we are: Spottswood continues to streak away whenever Ian calls for him.

Ian alternates between anxious worry and exasperated disgust that Spottswood's stuck in barn prison.

Forever?

Hopefully, at some point, I will have a positive update.

In the meantime, Ian still stalks the barn liked a crazed blood hunter hoping to catch his prey, and Spottswood is trying to call Merry Maids because his new home is gross. I'll toss some Lysol and blankets in there later tonight.

When Ian Made Out with Winnie

Ian: Have you seen my phone?

Laura: Yes.

Ian: Where is it?

Laura: It looks like I have the power in this relationship right now.

Ian: What do I have to do to get it back?

Laura: Buy me fancy yogurt. No. Wait. Kiss the dog on the lips.

Ian: I don't even kiss the baby on the lips.

Laura: I do, but she licks back.

Ian: Yeah, it seems like things would get spitty.

Laura: She always wants to French kiss.

Ian: This is silly. I'm not scared of germs. I would kiss anybody on the lips. Even the dog.

Laura: So do it.

Ian: ......

Laura: ......

Ian: .......

Laura: .......

Ian: Why don't I just buy you the yogurt? I can pick up a pumpkin, too.

Laura: No. The dog. On the lips.

Ian: This is gross. She's scared. This is gross.

Laura: On the lips.

Ian: How about on the nose?

Laura: On the lips.

Ian: ......

Laura: You don't have to. Never mind.

Ian: [Grabs Winnie; plants a smooch on her lips] See. It was easy.

Laura: Except the dog's cowering now. And bi-curious.

Margot the Misanthrope

The older I grow, the more antisocial I become. While I have always been shy, I remember being a friendly little girl, wild about play dates and all the imaginative games that came with them.

I remember loving parties in college and grad school, at which I transformed into something wild, something that talked too fast, something that used too many swear words. 

So, you see, I wasn't always a recluse. I think it all happened when I got with Ian and felt a switch go off in my head: "Praise Jesus, this dating shit's over. I'm going to go sit on my couch now. Forever." 

Maybe it was the shift from age 24 to 25. Maybe it was joining the working world after years upon years of being a student.

Ian: "Why did you go to grad school?"

Laura: "I could say it was because I wanted to better myself, but I respect you too much to lie to your face. I went to grad school because I didn't feel like growing up yet. It was like camp for adult adolescents."

And so I'm a real adult now and I am just about the most unsociable person on the planet. These days, society is kind and calls people like me "introverts" and creates all kinds of articles and Ted Talks about the awesomeness of introverts. 

Spare me your euphemisms; I'm okay with my pathological level of reclusiveness. But I do generally hope that Margot is more outgoing than me.

However, it appears Margot might have inherited some of my antisocial traits.

Margot began daycare last week. She's going for half-days until I go back to work full-time in November. She has adjusted rapidly and is growing attached to her teachers. 

And I thought she was playing nicely with the other kids. But today her teacher informed me that Margot doesn't like the other babies.

Laura: "She... she doesn't like the babies?"

Teacher: "Not at all! She cries when they touch her and rolls away as fast as she can. She sure can roll! She rolled halfway across the room when James got too close to her."

Laura: "Margot, you don't like your friends?"

Teacher: "Honey, these babies aren't her friends."

Laura: "Margot hates the other babies?"

Teacher: "Sure does."

And there you have it: my baby hates babies. I have been assured that Margot will adjust to the other babies soon. 

Of course, Margot screams and cries at all unfamiliar faces, so it's safe to say her disdain extends to all people.

Margot, what do you think of people?

Margot, come on. I have a readership to think of. I want to keep my fans. All four of them.

Much better.

One and Twos

Laura: Enters the living room and finds Margot sitting on Ian's lap

Ian: Oh good, you're back. We were waiting for you.

Laura: Yeah?

Ian: Margot likes to be held by you more, just like I like to snuggle with you more. We both know you're number one. And Margot and me are each other's number twos.

Laura: Laughs

Ian: When you leave the room, there's this awkward silence. And I try to make small talk while we both stare at the doorway and wait for you to come back.

The Number Twos rally together; wait desperately for Mommy 

I've been soaking up the power that comes with being Number One. And there is a lot of power that comes with being the favored person in the family. I'm pretty much dictator of the Winiferd house now.

First there was the Kaiser

And then there was Lenin

And, like, a whole lot of other people I'm leaving out.

Now, there is only Laura. 

Bow before me. 

Lol, yeah right. Fetch me my bottle, servant.

Marguini and Meatballs

While in the womb, Margot always measured on the smallish side of normal. She was born a lithe 7.2 pounds. And then she started eating. And eating.

I assume my milk must be extra thick and creamy because Margot is so thick and creamy, a big butterball of a baby.

I'm not sure if photos depict her size well, but I'm going to assume they do based on the, "Your baby is so juicy" and "Your baby could eat my baby" comments I get.

Her ham-hock legs inspired the nurse who gave her her shots to exclaim, "You're a thick little girl, aren't you!?"

Later that night:

Laura: "The nurse called Margot a "thick little girl."

Ian: "Poor little thickness."

Her cheeks have ballooned into pudgy round apples; she has developed Churchill jowls. Her two chins are rapidly growing into three.

Laura: "Were my legs this fat when I was Margot's age?"

Laura's mom: "No. You were longer and skinnier."

Laura: "So Margot's short and fat?"

Laura's mom: "No! She's perfect! Well, yeah, she's kinda fat."

When I slip Margot into a pair of pants, Ian coos, "Awww, look at her little muffin-top."

A pictorial representation of how I felt at every middle school dance

At 4 months, she wears a size 24 months in Gerber onesies. I tell myself it's because Gerber runs so small and because Gerber always shrinks in the dryer.

I mean, everyone else tells that self-comforting lie about dryer shrinkage. But with Margot, it's actually true. Right? Right? 

I do intend to update more often. I occasionally have little internal wars over whether this blog is too public and whether I want Margot to achieve fame so young. Then I remind myself that ten readers does not a celebrity make.

At any rate, I will work out what I want to do with this blog in time. For now, my chubby wubsy is awake from her nap and I must go bury my face in her neck rolls. I'll try not to eat her up. 'Tis hard.