When the Dairy Queen Gave up Dairy: My Attempt at a Food Blog

Food blogs are all the rage these days, so I thought I'd rip them off to gain more viewers. Unfortunately, I'm of distinctly English and Scottish heritage, with only a tiny bit of Native American thrown in for street cred.

What does that mean? I'm white. Very white. And very white people must eat very bland foods.

My DNA is coded to destroy me if I eat anything other then sad boiled chicken or sad boiled potatoes. Everything else wreaks havoc on my stomach.

Here's a list of foods I enjoy but have proven destructive to my Celtic DNA.

Pork:

Being a Very White Person often means suffering from Very Bad Allergies. I have severe allergies to anything in nature. Nature= Bad. Micro-biologically Sterile Environment= Good.

At age 20, I underwent allergy testing and results showed I was allergic to everything on the planet.

My results also showed an unmistakable allergy to pork. Pork causes acid to surge through my chest, my throat to swell, and my stomach to ache.

As a child, I ate a lot of ham sandwiches and pulled pork. I also experienced frequent stomach aches.

When I was Five:

Laura: "Mommy, my stomach hurts."

Mom: "Your stomach always hurts. It's psycho-somatic. It's all in your head, darling."

Laura: "But my stomach really, really hurts."

Mom: "Nonsense. Here. Eat some ham."

Fifteen Years Later: 

Laura: "Guess what? The allergist said I'm allergic to pork. I wasn't faking illness for the past fifteen years! I have definitive medical proof!"

Mom: "Oh. Well, live and learn."

Laura: "You were essentially poisoning me as a child! Munchausen by proxy!"

These days, I only eat pork by accident.

Ian and I sometimes buy Kroger sandwiches for dinner. We always want turkey. Unfortunately, Kroger doesn't label their sandwiches.

Laura: "Yay! A turkey sandwich! I shall soon alleviate my hunger!"

Ian: "Yay! My sandwich came with Cool Ranch Doritos instead of Double Cheese Cheetos!"

Laura: <Eats half the sandwich, ignoring weird taste> Wait a second. Does this turkey look pink to you?"

Ian: "Yes."

Laura: "Oh no. Is this ham? This is ham, isn't it?"

Ian: "Yes."

Laura: <Undergoes 24 hours of intense acid reflux and stomach pains. Takes 16 extra-strength Pepcid AC pills, 8 regular strength Zantac pills, and unknown quantities of Pepto-Bismol>

Ian: "Are you chugging Pepto-Bismol?"

Laura: "Yes."

Peanuts, Walnuts, Cashews, Pecans:

The allergist also confirmed I'm allergic to a variety of nuts. Despite my allergy, I often eat nuts. (That's what she said, y'all!). 

Nuts don't provoke such a severe reaction. It's more irritating than painful. Usually.

One time, my co-worker, upon cleaning out her desk, offered me an old bag of glazed cashews, thickly coated in a gunky pomegranate and vanilla crust.

They were nuts. They were expired. And they were free. Did I take them? Hell yes.

The bag was still nearly full. Despite my nut allergy, and clearly void of any common sense, I ate almost an entire bag of rancid cashews.

I had to use two full sick days from work afterwards.

Dairy:

I love dairy. A few months ago, I was consuming vast amounts of milk and cheese and yogurt.

I clung to the school of thought that good nutrition springs from "everything in moderation." Do you want to eat french fries and ice cream and doughnuts and cheeseburgers? Go ahead! Eating everything in moderation is part of a healthy diet!

So I consumed plenty of dairy. It's got it's own square in the Food Pyramid! It's healthy! The government said so! When has the government ever lied? It's healthy! EVERYTHING IN MODERATION! GOT MILK?

The dairy did something. Something...splotchy. It made me break out like a hormonal 13-year-old. I couldn't figure out why I was suddenly perusing the zit-control aisle at Walgreen's: I'm a 25-year-old adult, damn it.

Then, one day, I chanced upon a New York Times article on the link between dairy consumption and acne.

And I was all: light bulb! I cut out cheese and yogurt from my diet and switched from cow's milk to almond milk. My skin cleared up within a couple of weeks.

Still, I adore dairy. And I'm weak. Occasionally, I'll eat a yogurt parfait for breakfast. (Everything in moderation!). Inevitably, my skin revolts.

Ian: "Do you want to go get food?"

Laura: "I can't go in public. I look like I'm on meth."

Ian: "No, you don't. I mean, kind of. You still look beautiful. You're always beautiful."

Laura: "Even when I look like a meth head?"

Ian: "Yes."

Laura: "Awww."