Boy Meets Girl; Girl Meets Plants

Ian loves plants the way middle-aged white women love Oprah. He loves plants. He currently works in a garden, and he'll finish his horticulture degree this year.

Ian makes a beeline for the plant section the minute we set foot in a Home Depot or a Lowe's. He points out every tree, flower, bush, and weed we pass while walking or driving. He can talk plants for hours, using their ancient Latin names.

Ian: "Look! It's Acacia berlandieri."

Laura: "That's the summoning spell from Harry Potter!"

Ian: "I don't...think so."

Laura: "I guess it was 'Accio', not 'Acacia'."

Ian: "Hmm."

Laura: "Accio broomstick!"

Ian: <Looks uncomfortable>

Truthfully, I know embarrassingly little about plants.

According to rigorous scientific research undertaken at the J.K. Tolkien Institute of Botany and Botany Related Stuff, even my dog knows more about plants than I do.

Talking about plants bores me. (Only a little, Ian! Only a little).

When Ian and I first began dating, it wasn't a problem, because I'd read enough pioneer stories during my youth to carry a conversation about poisonous plants and the poor pioneering saps who ate them. 

(The same saps who, according to Oregon Trail, didn't know how to ford a river or avoid snake bites. Puh-lease. Ezekiel, if you had stayed in the wagon, we wouldn't have had to wait two weeks for the ground to thaw so we could bury you).

After we had discussed poisonous plants consumed by pioneers, Ian had to deal with the fact that his girlfriend knew nothing about his dearly beloved plant world.

Meanwhile, I tried to maintain my dignity whenever Ian talked about horticulture. Mostly, that meant watching for my cues during plant conversations:

1. Nod 
2. Nod
3. Smile 
4. Execute the "tell me more" face 
5. Look mildly confused 
6. Look concerned 
7. Have a 'light bulb' moment 
8. Smile
9. Smile bigger
10. Nod 
11. Nod vigorously

And we're done.

When Ian first introduced me to his cat, Spottswood, I felt positive that "Spottswood" was a plant or a tree or something from nature.

How cute! Ian loves plants! And he loves cats! So he named his cat after a plant! AWWW!

I operated under this delusion for a good six months, until Ian explained the cat had been named after a street.

Laura: "You mean there's no plant called Spottswood?"

Ian: "No. Just a street. And a cat."

Laura: <Feels disappointed>

One day, while in the car, Ian was doing his normal thing of pointing out plants, and I was doing my normal thing of composing limericks in my head:

Laura: <Deep in thought>
"There once was a little white dog,
Who drank some tainted egg nog,
She got really whack,
She fell on her back,
And she entered a hazy, drunk fog."

Ian: <Becomes aware I'm completely checked out> "Have you learned anything about plants since you've been with me? Anything at all?"

Laura: "Of course I've learned things. I listen to you all the time."

Ian: "When do the hibiscus bloom?"

Laura: "When the biscuits bloom."

Ian: "When do Crepe Myrtles bloom?"

Laura: "Whenever Myrtle comes to town."

Ian: "When do sunflowers bloom?"

Laura: "When the sun comes out."

Laura: "Look at the roses!"

Ian: "Those are azaleas."