How CDR Got His Groove Back

In December 2010, Ian and I adopted Guinifred. Shortly afterwards, our old buddy CDR came to visit. CDR stands for Christopher Douglas-Roberts. He was named after the University of Memphis basketball player.

CDR moved in expressly to sweep Guinifred off her feet with his amorous abilities. Ian hoped the union would lead to baby guinea pigs.

Laura: "Most people try to guard against rodent pregnancy. But you encourage it."

Ian: "Guinea pigs are a culinary delicacy in South America. If Guinifred and CDR mate, I could sell the babies for a nice profit. And we could fry us up some good eatin'."

Laura: "I bet they taste like chicken."

Ian: "Guinea pigs are supposedly some of the best meat you can eat."

Laura: "I'd dunk them in ketchup."

Truthfully, Ian wanted to sell the babies as pets. After CDR moved in, Ian and I would periodically place Guinifred in CDR's cage and wait for guinea pig magic.

However, CDR's a roly poly pig, perfectly content to sit idly, nibbling on carrots and throwing poop. He was as awkward as a sweaty-palmed 13 year old wearing a Pokemon t-shirt, asking a cheerleader out to see the latest X-Men flick.

Guinifred, by contrast, was a lithe, delicate creature. CDR would plod in circles, attemtping to get his groove on, while Guinifred sprinted elegantly away from his awkward clutches. They produced zero babies.

Laura: "He's defective."

Ian: "No he's not. Come on CDR! You can do it, buddy!"

Laura: "Guinifred's an intelligent guinea pig. She doesn't consent to casual sex. CDR needs to build a committed, healthy relationship with her first."

Ian: "Eh, you're probably right."

Guinifred sets high standards and believes in eating a wholesome diet full of fruits and vegetables.

We began leaving Guinifred in CDR's cage for longer lengths of time. We would leave the two pigs in the living room, under dim, romantic lights and slip out the back door.

Ian: "We should give them tiny wine glasses and play Barry White records."

Upon returning, we would try to size up the situation, desperate to see any signs of romantic shenanigans.

Ian: "I bet they did it. CDR looks really awkward."

Laura: "CDR always looks awkward. He's the guinea pig equivalent of Louie Anderson."

CDR tried mightily to get his groove on, but the poor boy could never figure it out.

In fact, the title of the post is misnomer. CDR never lost his groove, nor did he ever regain it. CDR has never had groove in his whole entire life.

Ian and I overlooked CDR's social and biological failures and emphatically embraced him into the family fold. Last week, CDR returned to his original home.

We miss him very much.

Long live His Majesty, King Christopher Douglas-Roberts, Lord of Love Making and Duke of Doo Doo Throwing.