Ian, Meet Plague. Plague, Meet Ian.

Lately, Ian can't seem to catch a break. The man keeps catching the plague, in the most dramatic ways possible.

In happier times last Wednesday, before developing his newest form of "Unclean, Unclean!"

He picked up his latest version of pestilence this past Thursday.

Ominous warning for readers: Ian is severely allergic to poison ivy

On Thursday morning, Ian's face started burning. By Thursday evening, his face, eyes, and ear had grown violently red.

On Friday morning, his face looked puffy and swollen. (Also, itchy, burn-y, and violently red).

He went to the minor med and was diagnosed with poison ivy. In his face. Deep in the crevices of his eyes. Sprouting from his ear.

Laura: "What did you do? EAT poison ivy?"

After getting a steriod shot in the butt at the minor med

Ian's currently on strong poison ivy medication, containing both antihistamines and steroids.

Watch out. He's got the Roid Rage. Meaning he's lethargic, sensitive, and eager to talk about his feelings.

Laura: "Ever since you starting taking the pill, you've acted differently."

Ian: "Ever since I started taking the pill, I've felt differently. I feel irritable."

Laura: "I mean, I feel more secure that you won't get pregnant, but it's just not worth it."

Ian: "The side effects of the pill are intense."

Laura: "Well, it should make your periods lighter, at least. And help your cramps..."

Ian: significantly less puffy, significantly more emotional 

In addition to his severe allergy to poison ivy, Ian is also severely allergic to proud claims of perfect health.

Because, honestly, that's where this madness all began. Never tempt fate, kids. The universe has a sick sense of humor.

Six Months Ago:

Ian: "I never get sick! Ever!"

Twenty-Four Hours Later:

Ian: "I think I have a fever. My throat hurts. My body aches."

Over the past six months, Ian has come down with about 8 sinus infections, chigger bites, appendicitis, a subsequent hospital stay, and two bouts of poison ivy.

CAN WE PLEASE NOW APPEASE THE MIGHTY GODS WHO HAVE CURSED IAN? HE MEANT NO HARM BY HIS CLAIMS OF GOOD HEALTH. THIS SHIT'S GETTING OLD.

Thank you and good night, folks. I'm all caps-locked out.