Another List (Because I Love Lists)

1. I'm probably (certainly) obsessed with Winiferd:

Laura: "Do you think about Spottswood and Harvey when you're at work? Like, how much you miss them and how much you want to hug them?"

Ian: "No."

Laura: "Oh. Okay."

Ian: "Wait... Do you think about Winnie when you're at work?"

Laura: "Maybe. Sometimes. Yes."

Ian: "Good Lord, woman."

2. My obsession with Winiferd has grown into an obsession with wolves and their domestication into dogs.

Laura: "Winnie's a wolf."

Ian: "Hmm."

Laura: "No, really. She is a wolf. Her father was a wolf-dog hybrid. When wolves mate with humans, you get this":

Ian: "How disappointing."

Laura: "Seriously, though, isn't it crazy to think about how ferocious wolves evolved into needy, dependent dogs?"

Ian: <Turns to Winnie> "Winnie, how does it feel to have no purpose in life?"

Winnie: <Climbs into Laura's lap; licks Laura's nose>

Laura: "Luckily, she doesn't care."

3. My current Christmas list is damn ridiculous: 

Laura's Christmas List:

1. A doggy union suit

2. A doggy hoodie

3. A doggy raincoat

NOTICE A PATTERN?

4. My maternal feelings towards the dog have transferred over to the cats.

Laura: "I don't think it's fair. You make fun of Winnie, but I'm sweet to your cats."

Ian: "You run away from the cats whenever they get close to you. Or you swat at them."

Laura: "Harvey always swats back."

Ian: "I know."

Laura: "If I wasn't allergic to them, I'd be all up in their faces, putting baby bonnets on their heads and cramming them in baby carriages. They'd hate me if I wasn't allergic to them."

Ian: "That's true."

Laura: "I feel like I'm one of their strongest allies. Remember when Spottswood came out? And you kept saying, 'Spottswood's not gay.' I mean, the boy has a pink nose. He dances better than any girl in his ballet class. He told you he's interested in boys. But you still denied it."

Ian: <Giggles>

Laura: "But I told Spottswood that he's a beautiful rainbow and that Daddy would come around eventually. And now you encourage his interest in knitting dresses and wearing nail polish. 

Ian: "Yeah."

Ian, Meet Plague. Plague, Meet Ian.

Lately, Ian can't seem to catch a break. The man keeps catching the plague, in the most dramatic ways possible.

In happier times last Wednesday, before developing his newest form of "Unclean, Unclean!"

He picked up his latest version of pestilence this past Thursday.

Ominous warning for readers: Ian is severely allergic to poison ivy

On Thursday morning, Ian's face started burning. By Thursday evening, his face, eyes, and ear had grown violently red.

On Friday morning, his face looked puffy and swollen. (Also, itchy, burn-y, and violently red).

He went to the minor med and was diagnosed with poison ivy. In his face. Deep in the crevices of his eyes. Sprouting from his ear.

Laura: "What did you do? EAT poison ivy?"

After getting a steriod shot in the butt at the minor med

Ian's currently on strong poison ivy medication, containing both antihistamines and steroids.

Watch out. He's got the Roid Rage. Meaning he's lethargic, sensitive, and eager to talk about his feelings.

Laura: "Ever since you starting taking the pill, you've acted differently."

Ian: "Ever since I started taking the pill, I've felt differently. I feel irritable."

Laura: "I mean, I feel more secure that you won't get pregnant, but it's just not worth it."

Ian: "The side effects of the pill are intense."

Laura: "Well, it should make your periods lighter, at least. And help your cramps..."

Ian: significantly less puffy, significantly more emotional 

In addition to his severe allergy to poison ivy, Ian is also severely allergic to proud claims of perfect health.

Because, honestly, that's where this madness all began. Never tempt fate, kids. The universe has a sick sense of humor.

Six Months Ago:

Ian: "I never get sick! Ever!"

Twenty-Four Hours Later:

Ian: "I think I have a fever. My throat hurts. My body aches."

Over the past six months, Ian has come down with about 8 sinus infections, chigger bites, appendicitis, a subsequent hospital stay, and two bouts of poison ivy.

CAN WE PLEASE NOW APPEASE THE MIGHTY GODS WHO HAVE CURSED IAN? HE MEANT NO HARM BY HIS CLAIMS OF GOOD HEALTH. THIS SHIT'S GETTING OLD.

Thank you and good night, folks. I'm all caps-locked out.

Seen and Heard at Winiferd in the Burbs

While Walking Winnie:

Laura: "Look, our feet are in sync. That one's Justin and that one's Lance."

Ian: "And that one's Joey. Joey Fatone. Or rather, Joey Fat One."

Laura: "He was the fat one!"

While Cuddling on the Couch:

Ian: "I love you."

Laura: "I love you, too."

Ian: "I love you the mostest."

Laura: "I love you to infinity."

Ian: "I love you to infinity and beyond."

Laura: "I love you to infinity times twenty million, billion, trillion."

Ian: "I love you to infinity times twenty million, billion, trillion times another level of infinity times a billion."

Laura: "I love you more than the dog."

Ian: "Woah. You win."

Laura: "I love you a million times more than the dog."

Ian: "I know I should believe that. I want to believe it. But I don't think I do.

Public Service Sign at Kroger:

Kroger is a "safe place."

Definition of a "safe place": Where children may go in times of crisis, at which point an adult will grope their chests.

A Biblical Display at Bibles for China thrift store:

Disclaimer: We found this. We didn't create this. 

A Christian Center Named Ram in the Bush:

I am too classy too classy to point out the obvious joke.

Dirty joke? What dirty joke? 

In the Pet Smart Parking Lot with Winnie:

A woman spots Winnie and hangs out her car window: "What type of dog is that?"

Laura: "WINIFERD IN THE BURBS DOT BLOG SPOT DOT COM!"

How to Celebrate Your One Year Anniversary When You're Poor

1. Go to Fantastic Sam's and get cheap, long over-due haircuts. 

We both learned an important lesson: beware the $15 haircut. In all fairness, I had us bypass the $10 dollar haircuts at Super Cuts, figuring Fantastic Sam's might offer slightly better cuts.

I was wrong.

Ian: "They gave me a lesbian hair cut. I look like a lesbian. I have a bob."

Laura: "They gave me some sort of lady mullet. I asked for three inches off and slight layering. Instead, I got business in the front and a party in the back."

I dealt with my bad haircut by styling my 'do into what I like to call "The Puritan."

And Ian? Well, Ian currently wear lots of hats.

Which, subsequently, gives him a Little Dutch Boy look.

2. Save your cat from electrocution

I took Thursday and Friday off from work as part of my One Year Anniversary/ I Need A Break From Work celebration.

It was 2:00pm on Friday, and Ian was at work. I was sitting on the living room couch when I suddenly heard an enormous clatter in the kitchen.

I ran. I looked. I screamed.

"My boy's attempting suicide!" 

Harvey's paw was stuck inside an electrical outlet, left uncovered since we had been painting the kitchen. He flopped around on the kitchen desk, knocking off an old-fashioned phone and smacking himself against the wall. I grabbed his paw and tugged.

Harvey screeched.

Winnie barked.

I yanked Harvey free.

In the immortal words of Julius Caesar: Veni, Vidi, Vici.

I came; I saw; I conquered.

3. Find some orange tomatoes at the Botanic Gardens ("Those are Japanese persimmons, Laura"). 

Play with them.

4. Find an affordable kitchen table at an antique store after weeks of searching.

Haul it home. Realize your kitchen finally looks like a real kitchen. Love kitchen so hard that you want to stay home and stare at your new table instead of going to to a movie.

5. Snap out it.

Motor off to the same drive-in theater where you had your first date one year ago. Anticipate seeing Paranormal Activity 3. Realize the drive-in is only advertising Paranormal Activity 1 & 2.

Laura: "Maybe we're supposed to add 1 and 2 to get 3. So they're actually showing Paranormal Activity 3."

Ian: "That's what I figured."

At the ticket booth:

Ian: "I'd like two tickets for Paranormal Activity 3."

Ticket Booth Man: "I'm sorry. We're only showing 1 and 2."

6. Go to a regular movie theater.

Scarf sushi in the car.

Take photograph of mullet-y hair with camera phone featuring a harsh flash (since you dropped and broke your Cannon camera and had to send it away for repair). Stare at photo and wonder when it all went wrong.

7. Watch Paranormal Activity 3 with an audience full of teenage girls who keep screaming shrilly and teenage boys who who keep yelling the F-Bomb. 

Because they're genuinely freaked out, and oh my god, so are we. Laugh nervously at screams since we're scared and want to maintain street cred. Clutch each others hands. Feel adrenaline skyrocket. Suppress screams. Laugh manically.

8. After the movie in the comfort of your own car:

Laura: "That wasn't scary."

Ian: "It was lame. Not scary at all."

9. Go to sleep.

Wake up at 3:00am with a full bladder.

Inch towards bathroom, terrified of paranormal activity and satanic covenants. Feel too terrified to flip on the light, lest a demon fly through the mirror. Inch back to bed.

10. Wake up.

Confess to mutual feelings of 3:00am fear.

Because the demon was going to fly through the mirror.

And it was the best anniversary ever. Happy anniversary, Ian!

Romance in the Burbs: Our One Year Anniversary

October 29, 2011 marks my one year anniversary with Ian. I had known him for a good two years before we started dating since we mix with the same circle.

He was already in a long-term relationship. I was already in a doomed relationship, but in a relationship, nonetheless.

I used to sneak looks at him and wonder if he was good to his mother. He noticed me because I was loud, wild, and devilish with this particular group, despite my normally reserved personality.

Anthropologists, man. They throw the best parties. 

Then the doomed relationship guy shattered my heart. Then Ian and his long-term girlfriend broke up.

Ian and I bumped into each other a few times during the summer of 2010, when we were both single. I went to his Fourth of July party. He was strikingly good-looking, and I was so self-conscious, I could barely look at him.

At a birthday party in September 2010, he and I briefly escaped to Papa John's and bought a pizza together.

He scoped things out. I babbled incoherently. I still couldn't bring myself to make eye-contact with him.

In October 2010, mutual friends pulled a few strings and performed some match-making.

Ian and I started hanging out. I started making eye-contact: One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.

We hung out amongst other friends, but we zeroed in on each other pretty hard. By that time, we were both babbling incoherently.

"I like dinosaurs!"

"I like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!"

"I like Fievel Mousekewitz!"

"Oh my god, so do I!"

"I had the Fievel stuffed animal. I cut his hat off and tried to wear it."

"OH MY GOD, SO DID I!"

"It didn't work, so my mom sewed it back to his head."

"So did my mom!"

"I like Brontosauruses best!"

"I like Triceratops!"

"I LIKE CAKE!"

Clearly, our relationship was built on a firm foundation of communication, maturity and wisdom.

One night, I tagged along with Ian and his friends when they went roller skating. Throughout all of this, I would text my friends furiously:

Laura: "What does one wear when roller skating?"

Friend: "A pillow on your ass?"

Laura: "No, seriously."

Friend: "Honestly, you're going roller skating with your crush. It sounds like a deleted scene from Napoleon Dynamite."

The night after we roller skated, Ian sent me a Facebook message, asking me out to a movie. I promptly called my friends:

Laura: "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL!"

Friends: "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL!"

On October 29, Ian picked me up at 6:00 pm and took me to a drive-in movie about a boy who falls in love with a vampire:

Ian: "That kid looks like Hilary Swank."

Laura: "Maybe it is. Hilary Swank's very versatile."

Ian: "IT IS HILARY SWANK!"

After the movie, we went back to Ian's house and played with Transformers and Ninja Turtle action figures.

Laura: "I loved Ninja Turtles as a child. My favorite was Michelangelo. My mom once came home with brand new Ninja Turtle action figures: Raphael for my brother and April O'Neil for me. I cried and cried. I never got a turtle."

Ian: "You can have my Michelangelo."

Laura: "Awww."

We sat next to each other on the couch, occasionally working up enough nerve to brush shoulders.

Pretty hot.

We sat politely on the couch until 5:30am, when Ian drove me back to my apartment. Our night ended at 6:00am, after a 12 hour date. We've been inseparable ever since.

All photos of Laura and Ian by Ren Buford 

Harvey the Killer

Ian: "Winnie needs to be careful. Harvey's a killer."

Laura: "No he's not."

Ian: "Yes he is. He has a Kill Word."

Laura: "No he doesn't."

Ian: "Yes he does."

Laura: "What's his Kill Word?"

Ian: "I can't tell you. I don't want Harvey to kill Winnie."

Laura: "Now I know you're lying. What's his Kill Word?"

Ian: "Well, first I have to connect with Harvey. We have to make eye contact. We have to make a connection."

Laura: "So do it."

Ian: <Stares sternly at Harvey>

Harvey: <Scratches ear>

Ian: <Moves closer to Harvey; stares intensely>

Harvey: <Yawns>

Laura: "Now say his Kill Word."

Ian: "It's Oreo."

Laura: "OREO!!"

Ian: "Stop! Don't scream the Kill Word! He's going to murder Winnie!"

Harvey: <Sighs> <Yawns> <Breathes laboriously>

Laura: "You know, Harvey used to just breathe heavily after walking. Now he breathes heavily while sitting. You might want to get that checked out."

Also, I'm sad to report CDR passed away (from natural causes, not from Harvey's Kill Word).

Rest in peace, CDR. We love you, buddy.

When Mommy Adopted Winnie: A Tale of Horse Ghosts, Demons, and Insomia

I had a dog growing up, a Cocker Spaniel and Beagle mix, who was inordinately gentle, kind, and loving. Muffin was a dream dog. She passed away when we were both 16.

At around age 17, I developed explosive allergies to everything under the sun, including cats and dogs. My allergies had been growing progressively worse up to that point, until they threatened to kill me. Thus, I went on hardcore antihistamines.

You guys, I never wanted a dog, nor did I want cats: Allergies! Expensive! High-maintenance! Poop! Pee! Poop! Expensive! I had reached a point in my life where I was aggressively anti-pet.

After I graduated with my Masters degree, I got a grown-up job and moved into my own apartment in the heart of the city. 

I'm prone to weird obsessions, which is how I've become obsessed with topics ranging from Appalachian poverty to moon landing conspiracies at various points in my life. At this particular point, I became obsessed with ghost stories.

My buddy Sam reinforced such flights of fancy because the girl is stuffed full of creepy-ass stories she swears actually happened. We began telling each other A LOT of ghost stories. Actually, Sam told a lot of ghost stories, while I stared at her, pale-faced and white-knuckled.

This being Laura's Latest Obsession, I also took it upon myself to Google ghost stories.

That's where I read about horse ghosts:

A lady wrote about riding horses as a child. Her horse was elderly, gentle, and calm. One day, she rode past a dilapidated stable. Her horse suddenly reared up and shot past the stable, freaked out and trembling.

The lady mentioned her horse's weird behavior to her dad. Her dad gave her a funny look and replied, "There was a fire at that stable about ten years ago. A lot of horses died."

So the horse was sensing horse ghosts. HORSE GHOSTS, PEOPLE. I MEAN, MY GOD.

That was the night common sense left me completely. I was living alone. I couldn't sleep at night. I stayed awake with the lights on, too frightened to close my eyes.

I would like to take this moment to tell people:  

I don't believe in ghosts. Or spirits. Or horse ghosts. I am a logical person. Ghost stories are made-up nonsense. 

But, at 4am, all alone, with a mind full of horse ghosts, I felt convinced demons would fly into my apartment at any moment, and I needed to be awake, just in case.

The next evening, I went out to dinner with a handful of friends.

Laura: "Y'all, I'm sleep-deprived because I'm scared of ghosts. I mean, I'm terrified. I can't sleep at night."

Laura's Friends: "You should get a dog!"

Laura: "Yes! Of course! A dog!"

Laura's Friends: "Then you won't feel scared!"

Laura: "Yeah! I mean, I don't like dogs. Or want one. But I should get a dog! Because I'm scared of ghosts! WON'T THIS BE PERFECT?!"

The next day, a friend alerted me that someone was offering a rescued hypoallergenic puppy for free. Being highly sleep-deprived and scared of ghosts, I agreed to adopt the puppy.

And it's been true love ever since.

Baby Winnie at 8 weeks old

New Daddy Gets a Blog

Folks who read my previous post: Ian helped ease some fears, ending my fit of paranoia. I'm keeping the blog public.

(To the person who stumbled upon this blog after Google searching "Laura modeling": I sincerely apologize.)

(To the person who stumbled upon this blog after Google searching "Maltese wearing clothes": Welcome, my friend. Welcome.)

My panicky feelings began to subside when Ian started a blog. That's right. New Daddy himself has a blog.

His oral communications professor required him to create one for an assignment. Ian thought it was lame. I thought it was rich.

Ian had to create a blog offering tofu testimonials, written from the perspective of an elderly woman.

I'm not making this up.

Ian wrote this awesome tofu testimonial:

I've been trying many new things with my diet. I recently had a doctor's appointment that was quite disappointing...high this, high that. I knew I had to do something. 

I started exercising a little more and doing yoga. One of my friends is vegan and always trying to convince me to stop my meaty ways. I'm not a big carnivore, but tofu is just so void of taste. 

Well, not anymore! Sally gave me her tofu bible....it's called Tofu for You. Tofu for You is jam-packed full of recipes all that will change the way you look at tofu forever. 

Every recipe is health conscious and there is so much variety that I could eat tofu year round and never get bored! I don't know how anyone could stand to eat tofu before?! I highly recommend Tofu for You. It will make tofu titillate your taste buds!

That was just the written part. Ian also had to craft an actual blog. As an experienced (heh) blogger, I know the key to a successful blog lies in offering personal details, anecdotes, and pictures.

Thus, I crafted a thoughtful "About Me" page for Ian's tofu testimonial blog:

My full name is Ethel Sandra Trisha Inez Catherine Louise Esther Susan (E.S.T.I.C.L.E.S.). I love my cat so much. 

I am a retired marketing specialist. I worked for the Kotex company for 25 years. I'm the one who came up with that red flower Kotex design. I feel a literal depiction of periods helps to empower females. 

I have a 5 year old grandson named Skyler Caiden and a 7 year old granddaughter named Dakota Harper. I also have an 8 year old cat named Mr. Snuggles.

When Ian realized I had published the above information, he shrieked a bit and insisted I delete it. Which I did.

But not quickly enough, because the next night, a girl in his group timidly asked about the Kotex stuff on the blog. You know? With the red flower? I'm pretty sure Ian played confused on that one.

He kept the miscellaneous information I added, such as favorite movies (Titanic), music (Celine Dion), favorite books (When God Writes your Love Story, Chicken Soup for the Grandma's Soul), and interests (lambs).

Pretty tame, huh? I preferred the Esticles stuff.

Finally, I uploaded a nice photo. Here's Ms. Ethel Sandra Trisha Inez Catherine Louise Esther Susan:

Here's the actual blog link:
http://singlegrannyinthecity.blogspot.com/

Everyone go and leave a comment!